No 24 — Zack R.

Our Selves, As Humans

Read time: 9 minutes.
Interviewed October 29, 2020. Published February 2, 2021

My name is Zack R. I live in downtown Oakland and I work in the tech industry. I spend as much time as possible outdoors, hiking, biking, skiing, et cetera. I'm really into doing weird art projects, cooking, and exploring the Bay Area. 

What does home mean to you?

Home to me is about a place where you feel safe to be yourself, and to be with and around people who love and value you as yourself. It's also a space that you can make your own, and design in the way you want to live. 

What does community mean to you?

Community is centered around your found family.

They're the people that you choose to build long-term, lasting relationships with, instead of the people you're obligated to maintain relationships with by default. 

What are you most afraid of right now?

The fear of a pandemic right now, and the fear of the world falling apart, are both macro fears that are really easy to become dulled to. There's also the fear of the upcoming election—well, I don't even think it's necessarily the election in and of itself right now, as much as the fact that even if the election goes the way I want, getting from A to B is going to be both disastrous and terrifying. I don't think Trump will leave willingly. I don't think that his supporters will believe that he lost. I know that in a good outcome, 45% of the voting population will vote for racism, will vote for hate, will vote for bigotry, et cetera. And that's the good side outcome. 

What's the happiest moment of your life?

I'm really not sure of that one. I think I'm a pretty even-keeled person, and a person who comes up with lots of things that make them happy, but I don't have a single moment that is this shining, happiest moment. I'm not sure I've ever fully bought into that idea of only having one shining moment that comes to mind with this type of question.

I have a lot of smaller moments. I really like creating experiences for groups of friends. I throw an annual New Year's event every year with 20 people in a couple of beach houses and a sea ranch, that's always fun. I've also enjoyed organizing a Burning Man camp.

I think, for me, happiness is building that sense of community. I like bringing groups of people together.

What’s the saddest moment of your life?

Saddest moment of my life, at least recently, is when my marriage ended. My wife came out as a lesbian and we didn't succeed at making it work, about a year ago. 10 months, maybe 11? Time is really anamorphic in the pandemic. 

We were together a long time, around eight years, something like that. I still talk to her, it ended fairly amicably. She and I still get on great as friends. She still cares about me a lot and I certainly still care about her a lot. She realized over the course of the last couple of years, first that she was bi, and then later that she was truly a lesbian. We tried to make it work for quite some time and did not succeed at doing so. We ended up separating in December, and then she moved out in February.

[Did your sense of home change after she moved out?]

I think it definitely altered. Like many people, because welcome to our age demographic in the Bay Area, this is actually the first time I've fully lived on my own without any roommates, housemates or significant others. And it's also a global pandemic.

It's the first time that home has really been my home, not our home.

You know, this is certainly not the 2020 any of us expected to have, but on the other hand, I still have a good support network, I have good friends and a good pod, such that it's one of those I never know quite how much to complain about on the balance of privilege versus not in October, 2020.

Who's the most influential person in your life?

It's probably cliché to say my dad, but the way he interacts with the world, and the way he thinks about things, I think probably that is the right answer. I admire the way he tends to approach getting things done, the way he approaches friends, family, et cetera. Actually, probably both him and then to some extent, my mom as well. I'm a very good mix of my parents in that I have my mom's energy level and enthusiasm for other people, and I have my dad's interest in learning, my dad's interest in doing projects with people, and so on and so forth.

Have you ever experienced prejudice? And if you have, how so?

I think less than a lot of other people. To be very clear, I'm a straight white man who works in tech. At the same time, I think that there is a strong undercurrent of antisemitism. You can see it in the Bay area tech scene, and it's also apparent in American culture in general. It has gotten substantially stronger in the last couple of years and sometimes spills out into overt instead of implicit. And I'm not sure I have a great example for you. 

Have you ever thought about privilege? How?

That one's a definite yes, again with the straight white man in tech component of this. I think this pandemic has been much more privilege around money than it has been privilege around race and gender. I mean, both are true, but for example, taking this call in a private home office, in a secure well-paying job that not only lets me work from home, but encourages me to do so indefinitely, is such a strong advantage that to me, the privilege of career, work and income almost comes to dominates privilege around race and gender. 

What was one pivotal moment in your life, and how did it influence you?

That's a really good question—I think I struggle with that one in the same way I struggle with one happiest moment, just because I don't have an obvious choice. I'll say, I had a really good college experience. I lived in a co-ed house with 40 really close friends, many of which I still see on a regular basis today. And I think some element of that college experience, where getting into certain colleges is to some extent blind luck, the friends and community you fall into your freshman year of college is to some extent blind luck, and those combinations of luck dramatically indicate many, many years later who I spend time with and what I do with my time.

[That's great! Do a lot of them live close to you still?]

A lot of them moved out to the Bay Area after college, same as I did. Some are in tech, some aren't. Turns out the Bay Area is a great place to live.

Where are you from and how has being from your home shaped who you are today?

I'm from about five miles from where I'm sitting right now. I think it shaped me a lot. Growing up adjacent to two amazing cities—Oakland and San Francisco—but being in a suburb of both, and being in a place where you're free to grow up, but also free to explore a city, et cetera, is a great combination. 

I think it's interesting, where you're from vs home, to me, are fairly different questions. Where you're from is the home you had, versus home is the home you have now. My parents still live in the home I grew up in. At the same time, I don't necessarily think of that as home. It's their home, and it's the home I used to live in, and that's not to say I don't value it and cherish it and love the fact that they still live there.

I think there's that element of the place you grew up influences the person you are, versus requiring it to still be needed for you today.

They're different to me. I think that element of focus on where you came from does make a huge difference, because that's around what shapes your biases, shapes your culture, and so on. I get a lot out of that, but at the same time, I don't think of that as the only thing that makes you who you are.

What's one thing that always reminds you of home?

There are certain things that I cook where I cook a lot like my mother, and certain smells in a kitchen that really strongly do that for me. It's not really any one dish. It's certain smells—onions, mushrooms, garlic hitting a pan. I don't even know why that's such a strong association or such a strong memory, but it is.

What's something that you've accomplished that you're proud of?

I think two very different answers. One is building that sense of community, and that group of very good friends and people I really like to spend time with, and building activities within the Bay area. 

Another is building a home in place for myself. Owning this house in downtown Oakland, and being able to make it my own and having the financial ability to say, you know what? I don't really need a roommate right now and I really don't want one in a pandemic, so I don't need to have one. I’d say that’s a relatively decent achievement.

What's something about yourself that you don't like talking about?

I think that my energy level is both a pro and a con. I'm always on and always wanting to do new things. It is very easy in my current life to lean into it being a pro, but it is not always. It can sometimes feel like a heavy con. There are moments where I know I need to dial this back. I know I need to take a deep breath and I know I need to stop doing, both for my mental health and the mental health of the people around. 

What's one thing that you wish you could share about your culture with the world?

I have a joking line when I host people, which is, "If it's edible or potable, eat and drink it," which basically means, if I'm having you over, of course I'm going to be feeding you.

Of course, I'm going to be offering you drinks. There's no way I would ever have someone over and not do my best to make them comfortable. Your bellies will be full and your thirst satiated. A lot of that comes from that eastern European Jewish culture, and a lot of that comes from the sense of family. And that's certainly true in a lot of other cultures as well, but it's interesting, as I grew up, I've also noticed how many cultures don't have that as a part of their core DNA, and I kind of wish more did. 

What would people be surprised to know about you outside of everything that we've talked about?

I use this line in professional settings a lot as well, where I think it's less obvious than it is in personal settings, but probably that I think of myself as an introvert.

How do you feel sharing this stuff?

I think slightly awkward. Doing this on video via Zoom is such a weird way of having conversations. Do you make eye contact with someone? Do you not? Do you just kind of sit there and pet your cat so on, so forth? It's a really interesting set of questions. I intentionally didn't think about them much at all beforehand. I glanced at them versus thought about them because I figured it would be less awkward to go off the cuff a little. 

Last question. Can you please reintroduce yourself?

I like closing with that because I know what I said before, and I'm thinking now a lot more about community and where you're from and so on. That pair is really interesting—I'm trying to decide how much I want to change my answer.

Let's see. I think it's still—Hey, I'm Zach. I'm a guy in his thirties who lives in downtown Oakland, likes creating new experiences with groups of friends, likes exploring the outdoors, likes cooking, hiking, biking, skiing, making weird art, and who works in tech. I think those are all still true. I think that's still the right soundbite, but it's interesting how soundbites and who you are don't necessarily map well.