No 19 — Heidi L.

Our Selves, As Humans

Read time: 16 minutes.
Interviewed October 12, 2020. Published December 15, 2020

My name is Heidi L. I am the founder and CEO of an international independent arts organization called RAW Artists. We've been running for 11 years and we're a unique organization because each of our showcases is crowdfunded by the artists that participate in it. We are currently on pause due to COVID, so I'm doing some other interesting things on the side that I very much enjoy, but yes, that's my everyday title.

What does home mean to you?

I think I have a different concept of home than most people. Maybe I'm being presumptuous, but I generally feel the feeling of home originates from the home you had during childhood. In my case, my parents moved around a lot when I was young, almost once a year. We weren't military kids or anything of that nature, but we just happened to move a lot. I even lived overseas for a period of time—when I was in seventh grade, I lived in Australia. I have three younger siblings and our family is very tight knit, possibly even due to our experiences in a lot of different environments and different places. I feel very fortunate to have the childhood I've had, but at the same time, I feel like there's not really a particular place I'd call home. I'd say it's probably wherever my siblings are, and where my family is. I can pretty much feel at home anywhere, as long as they're around.

What does community mean to you?

I think when I've felt the strongest sense of community it has been through in-person interaction. Of course, nowadays communities can be created online—and what I think is so awesome about our generation growing up with the Internet is that ability to build community anywhere. But there's nothing like face-to-face interaction.

When I lived in downtown Los Angeles it felt like such a strong community because almost everyone knew everyone. I was able to walk through my neighborhood and interact with all these diverse people with unique backgrounds.

They all came together in this fabric of the city to create that community. I think community is diversity, and it's also the way that diversity works together, symbiotically.

That's my definition. And I suppose that could be done online, but I feel the biggest sense of community offline.

What are you most afraid of right now?

You know, I'm not ultimately afraid of too much in life. I know that sounds maybe cavalier, but I think I've been through some really traumatic experiences in my life that make most things one might expect I be fearful of, not too scary. With the pandemic for instance, aspects that might make others fearful, don't make me fearful anymore. Right now, there's so much uncertainty about the future, and I'd say that's uncomfortable for sure, but I'm not afraid of it. At least in my own sphere and bubble, I feel like I can figure this out, take care of myself and those closest to me, and figure out a solution to anything because I've done it before.

I've started from scratch, so many times. I've been in very similar situations on a personal level that remind me of what the world is experiencing right now, where everything is crumbling down around you.

You have to find the courage when you're exhausted to bring yourself back to life and reinvent yourself, pull on what's important to you to move forward.

I've had some experience doing this, whereas the people that haven't might be struggling. I can see how our current climate would be traumatic. And I mean, don't get me wrong. Things are messed up. This is really bad for a lot of people. But I generally don't feel afraid.

I am, however, hesitant about being too optimistic about the future, as bad as that sounds. I think it's going to be really difficult, but from difficult times comes beautiful new opportunity in a lot of different directions. We're seeing that on so many levels and facets that it's almost a little exhausting at this point, but people are resilient. The world and this country has been through a lot, over a long period of time. Right now, it's very unique, but at the same time, it's also not. I generally have faith that at the end of the day, it will be okay.

We have a new set of tools to use now. We have a different landscape. It doesn't mean you can't still create, but what you used to use has shifted. Through death, and loss, and hardship, there is rebirth. And I get it. Now I'm not afraid, but there was a period in the beginning of this pandemic where I was. I had to reground myself, and remember who I was and what I do. I redefined what was important to me moving forward.

What's the happiest moment of your life?

I was reading these questions prior to this interview, and I don't think I have one event that tops everything else. I have happy sections and highlights of life, like marrying my husband—I think I have to say that? Ha, but really, that was a really happy time. I've had a lot of happy moments. They feel like punctuation marks in life, snippets of happiness on a profound level. But generally, I don't know that I can name one. I feel like it would be unfair.

I'm lucky. I've had a lot of great ones. Nailing a contract at work, that brings me joy. That brings me happiness. My wedding day was awesome. Finding out that I'm pregnant with a baby boy was awesome. There's all these little happiness points, but does any one take the cake? I don't know. Maybe the best is yet to come.

What’s the saddest moment of your life?

My younger brother was hit by a car when he was 13. This was about 18 years ago, and he was in a coma for three weeks. He's fine now, he's a functioning adult and he's amazing. But we almost lost him. Simultaneously, my first love, my first boyfriend in high school was diagnosed with testicular cancer and started undergoing treatment for that. And then, weeks later, once everything felt a little normal—my brother was getting better—my stepfather fell off a ladder and broke his neck. We just had the absolute worst year. It felt like a whole year of just pure shit and horrible tragedy that happened to our family. I think that's the lowest I've ever been in my life. I spent a lot of nights sleeping on an ICU floor and not knowing if my brother or any of these people that I loved and cared about were going to survive.

It's those moments that make me feel like this current one is solvable, at least in my own sphere. And I know it's not like that for everyone. So I should disclaim, I know people have lost loved ones as a result of this pandemic, and that's certainly not my situation. I'm grateful that's not the case. But having experienced that fear of loss gives perspective when things of that nature happen. When the closest people to you are in pain, suffering, on their death beds—that gives perspective to everything else in your life, forever.

My husband says all the time, "I'm pretty sure you thrive in chaos. Everything rolls off of you." To me, in these hard moments, it feels like a different switch goes off. You've got no choice, you have to keep going. And I think that's just part of my DNA now.

Everything pales in comparison to that tremendous heartache I had before.

Who's the most influential person in your life?

I feel like I take bits and pieces of inspiration from a lot of people. Oprah, Barack Obama, Albert Einstein, Steve Jobs, Elon Musk, Barbara Conchran. I have these people that I think are amazing geniuses, that I look up to—I admire pieces of their personality and who they are as leaders or innovators. I don't have any one person I could name though.

[What specific traits jump out at you? What are some specific things that you're pulling from people?]

I think I really value when somebody can overcome adversity in every sense.

That's a common trait that all those people share. It's overcoming adversity and demonstrating sustained hard work. It's not overnight success. Being against the ropes, having everything else against them, but succeeding regardless. Another trait is being the first of their kind. Innovating as a pioneer. That has its own range of adversity: you get laughed at, criticized harshly, and frequently. A lot of people don't believe in you, especially in the beginning. I really appreciate and look up to anyone who can go through that journey and come out a polished, cool, calm and collected badass.

Have you ever experienced prejudice? And if you have, how so?

Yeah. My parents moved a lot, until we finally put roots down in a small town called Redding, California. It's about two hours north of Sacramento, tippy top of California. It was a wonderful place to grow up in a lot of ways, but it's also a very tight knit community—a lot of people live there their entire lives, and their families are there for generations. Additionally. it's not very diverse, it's majority white.

I'm a mixed kid—now I'm fair-skinned, but when I was younger I was much darker. My dad is Spanish and Native American, and my mom is Caucasian. I feel like I experienced a bit of prejudice at school, but nothing major. There was some name calling here and there, though I don't know whether to chalk it up to kids being kids, you know? Did they know what they were saying, were they doing it out of malice? I don't know. That stuff hasn't really impacted me. However, I did witness prejudice being directed at my dad, a Brown man. He'd get pulled over by the cops for no reason, and they'd commonly ask him why he was driving a Cadillac and why he had a cell phone.

Actually, I used to get teased for my hair a lot. I have naturally curly hair. It's very coarse. There was this song that the kids at school would say—sorry, I shouldn't laugh! It went, "Heidi is rough and tough with her afro puff." My mom was white—she didn't know how to do my hair, and my dad and brother (who share the course curly hair) would just shave theirs off. I didn't know what products to use. I had this giant fluffy afro that I had no idea how to do. But again, was that some type of prejudice? Or just kids being kids?

I think I've maybe even seen a little of it within our own family. I mentioned earlier, my dad is part Native American, part Spanish. My great-grandmother came over from Spain, met my great-grandfather—I was lucky to actually meet both of them, I was really young—and he was a Pueblo Native American out of New Mexico.

On my dad's side, we were the half-white kids.

We weren't fully Brown, and weren't included as much. It's really weird. We always got the shittier gifts for Christmas, from my grandma.

And then on my mom's side, we were the half-Brown kids.

So we never truly belonged—at least I felt like we didn't really fully belong to either side because we were half and half. It's nothing that anyone outwardly said. Again, it just feels like an undertone, this feeling that you have, and you do notice little things when the family gets together. Obviously my grandma loves us, but there were definitely differences between us and the rest of the family.

There are people who've experienced way harsher situations than me when it comes to prejudice. I've almost failed to mention my experiences when people ask me that question, because I don't want it to come across as trivial, you know? I've had a couple of conversations with a few friends who have told me, "Well, you can pass for white. So you don't really count." I feel like that's a whole other layer. Okay, so you're disregarding 50% of me because if I'm walking down the street and I'm white-passing, you just assume I'm clear of this stuff? I've still experienced this silent undertone. As a mixed woman, I'm very familiar with feeling in-between. Ultimately I'm grateful my experiences have not been bad. They don't keep me up at night.

Have you ever thought about privilege? How?

Yeah. For sure. I didn't come from a privileged family. We were a food stamp family. My parents had us when they were very young. I was the first of four and we were broke most of my life. I started working when I was 11 and really haven't stopped since, and I've made my own life for myself that my parents certainly couldn't and didn't set up for me. They had their own traumas and situations that their lives gave them, a foundation that wasn't exactly secure. I don't blame them by any means. I think what we lacked in traditional money and security, we made up for in love and closeness. I would say that's a form of privilege. I don't think everyone has that, so I feel fortunate to have that feeling with my family.

I actually think about privilege a lot. It's a really hard thing to reconcile, because I built everything that I have from scratch, from a deficit, and I'm still working for it. I didn't have anything handed to me. I've certainly had help along the way from many different people, but I wasn't born into any form of money. Neither of my parents own property. I won't inherit anything.

I think about being the person I am, and how different I might be if I was given more privilege and opportunity, but I also don't want to demean the opportunities that I have been afforded.

I work hard, but also feel I've been lucky on some cosmic level. I've been given opportunities by people that seem out of the blue, that have been pivotal and changed my course.

I'm still reconciling how I truly feel about the topic of privilege. I'm proud to live in America most days. I feel generally like this country does provide a lot of opportunity. It is a privilege to live here and it is a privilege to be able to create the life that you want. Of course, it's not perfect. There are a lot of things that need to be fixed and refined. Ultimately, it’s an on going process. 

What was one pivotal moment in your life, and how did it influence you?

I think again, I can't pinpoint one, but I would say that the moments that have been the most pivotal for me have been when I've completely failed or messed something up. Where you have to find that last bit of fire when you're just so depleted and exhausted and feel like a complete failure, to get up and keep going, and to start anew. The moments that have been the most pivotal for me have not been when I've achieved success. It's typically been when I've fucked up and have to own up to my mistakes and fix them.

When I was younger, I had a string of business failures. I describe myself during this time in my book like a tornado, all over the place. I had tons of energy and was just racing around, hustling, and I didn't have a lot of regard for those around me. I was moving through life very quickly. As a result, I think life, the universe, God, whatever you call it, was trying to teach me how to slow down and be organized and thoughtful and make sure that I was doing the right thing. So I had a series of failures, one after another. My spirit was completely broken. I had gone from making good money and having a nice car and doing pretty well on paper, to being unable to pay my bills and having the electricity turned off in my apartment.

I was at a pretty low point in my life. One day, I was at lunch with a friend and complaining and feeling sorry for myself, listing all the things that had gone wrong in my life and blaming everything but myself. I told him, I have this idea for an art show and I want to call it RAW, but man, it's going to be so much work and I don't know if I can do it and I'm just exhausted. And he was like, "Oh, well, sounds like you're ready to start then." I don't know what it was. But the way he said it, lit something in me. It woke me up. I walked home—my car had also been repossessed at this point , it was a bad time—but I walked home and grabbed the plans that I had started to make for RAW and immediately got to work. Here we are 11 years later. So I would say that's a pretty pivotal moment. It was him just saying that one sentence.

It was all I needed to hear. You're ready, shut up, stop complaining, start on it already. Why are you talking to me about this? Just begin.

Where are you from and how has being from your home shaped who you are today?

I was born in the Bay area, in San Jose, and I lived there until I was about 10, in lots of different locations. After that, I spent about 10 years in Redding, California. I'd say that was closet to home, since I was there for the majority of junior high and high school. I also lived in Australia for a year when I was in seventh grade. Truthfully, I didn't have a specific, steady location growing up. Now, my family's all dispersed. Most of them are in different areas in Southern California. Currently, I live in LA, going on 20 years. Out of all the places I've lived, I've lived here the longest. This is home, Southern California is home.

How my home has shaped me? I think living in a lot of diverse places, and especially having the opportunity to live overseas for a year—my step-mom is originally from Australia—has definitely shaped who I am. I was taken out of the small town bubble and placed in a completely different culture. Even though Australia is very similar to the United States, it's still different. It was a different culture, had different people with different accents, different foods. I'm really grateful for that experience because I feel like it taught me that there's so much to explore.

I remember when I first moved to LA, what stood out the most to me was the diversity. There were things that I just didn't get to experience when I lived in a small town. Having lived in Australia and Los Angeles, one of the most diverse cities on earth, have really shaped my idea of community. There's something great about the feeling of all of these different people interwoven together. I feel like I'm a part of that fabric too.

What's one thing that always reminds you of home?

This is going to sound really cheesy. I guess it's because I grew up in Redding, and during the summer, Redding gets really hot. It's maybe 100, 110 degrees, and it's brutal. But on summer nights, there is this certain smell when the grass becomes dewy. It's a smell that comes from the combination of that harsh heat and the cool red clay in the ground. If there's a breeze, there's this specific smell that blows through. It was comforting to me. That reminds me of home. And every once in awhile I’ll get what I think is a whiff of it here. It makes me smile.

What's something that you've accomplished that you're proud of?

Being in business for 10 years, over 10 years. Through all the ups and downs. Sustaining it. Because it's easy to start a business. It's easy to have it for a little period of time, but to do it for 11 years? That's not easy, let me tell you. I'm proud of myself for not quitting.

What's something about yourself that you don't like talking about?

I'm pretty open, so I don't really have anything in particular that I can think of. If someone asked me something, I would probably talk about it. I'm an open book. 

What's one thing that you wish you could share about your culture with the world?

I mean, my culture is half and half, I'm 50/50. I don't know that there's a lot of discussion around being a mixed kid and how you don't really belong to any group, you're kind of in the middle. Again, it's not something that I think about too often. I just kind of move through the world the way that I am. But if I had to put something down, I would probably say this:

I think that experience of being a mixed kid is something that doesn't get spoken about a lot. And it should be. Our world is going to continuously look more and more blended the older it gets. So let’s talk about it.

What would people be surprised to know about you outside of everything that we've talked about?

I had to think about this one. Have you ever been to Dave & Buster's? The mini basketball games, where you shoot a mini basketball—not a full one—I'm really good at that game. I've beat every person I've ever played. I don't know why, I get an insane amount of points very quickly. 

How do you feel sharing this stuff?

Good. It's good to talk to a person that isn't my husband or my dog, ha! But seriously, I think it's great what you're doing, having people drudge up these very profound questions. I think just by the nature of what you're weaving together, people are going to find their own narrative by reading all these stories. And they're good questions. You did a good job on this. It feels good to share. It's also, if I'm being completely honest, a little worrisome in the sense of wondering if someone will read my answers and think something negatively of me, you know? In this climate, there are a lot of sensitive topics. But at the end of the day, all you can do is be yourself and tell your truth.

Last question. Can you please reintroduce yourself?

Yes! My name is Heidi L., soon to be a mother, and I have the cutest puppy in the whole wide world.